Metamorphosis.

I apologize for returning in such an odd fashion: posting several times, erasing said posts, disappearing for a couple weeks...well, I'm back, and for good this time. As you can see, I gave my blog a little face-lift. It used to be called "Tilting the Hourglass", which I named because I felt like that's exactly what I was doing at the time: flirting with death and tilting the hourglass of my life back and forth. Ooh, is that cheesy or what? Well, the title of my blog now represents the fact that I'm being watched, constantly being worried about. I go to two or three appointments every week, ranging from psychiatrist, to counsellor, to eating disorder specialist. That right there pretty much gives you a good idea of the kind of things I'm trying to recover from. To sum up the past couple years or so in a matter of sentences, in 2009 I started to go downhill, and ended up becoming pretty depressed by October. I started cutting in November, and decided I was going to go on a diet in January. That diet ended up becoming more and more extreme to the point that I wasn't eating very much at all, and by just mid-February I weighed 100 pounds. It was wonderful, and I loved being that tiny, but I was miserable. I didn't want to recover at that point, though. In the summer, I started cutting a lot and binging, which ended up in me purging, often up to three times a day. During the summer, I made the decision to come out to boarding school one province away from my home, which at the time I saw as the perfect opportunity to start restricting my eating again. However, my mood hadn't improved at all since the previous year, in fact, it had gotten a lot worse. I wanted to die every day of my life, and I dreaded waking up each morning. In September, I overdosed on Advil, not really intending to kill myself, but just to do something because I felt so shitty that day and cutting wasn't doing anything. My friend found me all whacked out and literally dragged me to the infirmary, where I hesitantly told the nurse what I'd done. An ambulance came to get me, and I ended up staying on suicide watch in the hospital for five days; five awful days that consisted of nonstop crying and my parents finding out absolutely everything that I'd been hiding from them. To sum it up, my life has changed dramatically since September.

Now, as of March, 2011, I'm happy to report that things are looking up for me. I'm on 3 different kinds of antidepressants and trying to recover, which is much easier said than done. I miss blogging, though: the support from everyone and the close-knit community of girls from all over the world logging on every night and writing down the struggles of their day. I stopped blogging originally because it was far too triggering, but I'm confident that I can handle it now.

So, what am I back here for? I'm here because I've missed you guys terribly, and I love to write. My goals in life for the moment are to be happy, and to lose weight too, admittedly. I don't want to fall into the trap of saying that I'll be happy when I'm skinny, because I've been "skinny" before, and I certainly wasn't happy then. Regardless, I want to be thinner, and while I'd love to weigh 80 pounds...intellectually, I know I can't do that. I can't do that to my family, even if I'd have no problem doing it to myself.

Wow, I'm really rambling here, aren't I? I'll leave it at that for now, I suppose. My mom and younger brother are coming down to visit me today, so I'm excited to see them :) Hope you all have a terrific weekend <3