Well, today was going just fine and dandy. Things were going good, saw a funny movie with my brother, went for lunch with my family, drove a lot, which was fun, got home and did nothing. Started feeling kind of shitty, mom wanted me to watch tv with her. Sat on the couch for hours feeling shitty and pissed. Go to bed. Take a needle and thread and start sewing into my hand again like I did yesterday. Mom comes in because she's always paranoid now and finds me. She freaks out and takes my needles and says she's going to sleep on my pull-out mattress. I say no. My brother's like "I'll sleep in her room" just to make my mom calm down and go to bed.
Cut earlier but hardly at all. Miss cutting on my arm. No where else works as good. Tried a broken gift card, coat hanger, nail, piece of artwork, an earring, a some other shit I can't remember. Two pathetic little messy lines is the product of the above. Ugly.
I realised today I have somewhere around 200+ scars, at LEAST. Well then.
I'm going to bed. Oh yeah, and I'm a fat ass. Today I ate a bowl of Cheerios, theatre popcorn, edamame, berries, two yogurts, and a couple Cokes too. Fucking nasty. I can't wait to get back to school so I can restrict without my family around. Goodnight. I love you all, sorry for a lame and negative post.
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i miss cutting. i miss the rush.. i shouldnt though.. anyway, good luck with your family :)
ReplyDeletecheers for getting back to school. that'll be swell, i'm sure. i hate when i cut with something i hadn't intended. like with a bobby pin or a cd. it always looks awful. &i know what you mean about not being able to open your arms. but since i shouldn't be saying these morbid things about things we do that we shouldn't, i'll stop that. what movie did you see? i'm actually curious. it sounds like you have a good brother. cheers for that. hang in there, babygirl. i'm sorry i can't seem to find the right words.
ReplyDeletexoxo
zette
Wow, hun I'm worried about you, what's going on? You seem to be getting more depressed. You've come to far to have to go back to square one.
ReplyDeletexxx
Aw babes, it'll be ok. Look towards the good things. It makes me sad to see you sad :(
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxooxoxox
LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE
Gracie
God, I miss cutting. I agree with you completely that nowhere works as well as the arms. But you have to know it's not a healthy solution. It may "work," but you'll feel better after a few months without it. Or at least that was my experience. I can't speak for everyone. I really hope you get to be feeling better soon. Stay strong <3
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so sad that you and all the lovely ladies whom have commented on your post all say how much yall miss cutting. I really wish you wouldn't! You're skin is beautiful, its done nothing wrong to you :) lol but I understand that I do not understand what thats like, cuz i've never experienced cutting. just like nobody who's never had an ED understands how satisfying it is and how hard it is not to listen to it and give into it. i love my ED. but I hate it more than anything in the world too.
ReplyDeletegosh, what a love/hate relationship we've got going on here.
I hope we all move away from these things some day :)
We all have bad days lovie and I hope this one passes and life perks up for you <3 you are beautiful and I hope one day you can put the blade away because you don't deserve that pain sweetheart. I know I'm being kind of hypocritical but I honestly believe you are better than that, even if I myself have a problem with my own cutting. You're strong and I believe you can survive anything. You're my hero and you are human. I love you for that :) <3 hang in there and remember we all love you even if we're miles upon miles away
ReplyDeleteBe safe my love, you are one of the strongest people I know. <3
ReplyDeletesar